←Book 8: A Parade of Horribles

Samantha takes over Carl's room to redecorate, enlisting Bucket Boy and Tipid for help, then decides to give Tipid a recap of Floor 7's events before his memory loss fully sets in. What follows is a wildly unreliable, self-centered narration covering the Faction Wars tournament, the War Mage Rebellion led by Akuma and Elle, the god fights involving Meatus and Eris, and Li Na's transformation — with Samantha frequently interrupting herself with random observations and glossing over key details. The chapter serves as both a humorous recap and a character study of Samantha's fractured psyche, with her memory lapses and bizarre non-sequiturs highlighting the psychological toll of the dungeon while Tipid's deadpan reactions underscore the absurdity of relying on her for a coherent history lesson. Report issue

Attorneys Quasar and Kiki monitor Floor 11's arrival, noting 203 crawlers reached the floor with 172 accepting one-season indenture as game guides, while Daniel Bautista survived by joining the cleaner bots instead. Background reports show random dungeon gods appearing near tunnel nodes causing galactic panic. Quasar's monitoring is interrupted by a video call from his niece Tempest, who reports that Taurin thugs hired by Princess Chandra — Donut's lawyer — attacked her father. Tempest defends them with an illegal blaster Quasar previously gave her. Realizing Chandra is targeting his family out of spite from their ongoing legal battle, Quasar immediately hires Kiki for both legal and physical protection. Report issue

Carl arrives on the tenth floor following Faction Wars, processing posthumous messages from fallen allies while learning of catastrophic chaos on the twelfth and eighteenth floors caused by a broken "Nothing." With minutes before Heat 1 begins, Donut navigates a new class selection interface tied to her deity titles, choosing Assassin of Sekhmet after receiving an ominous message from Khepri about forming a death cult. The chapter concludes with comedic chaos as two gremlins, Hedy and Waldrip Chris, brawl for the garage manager position; Donut selects Hedy, and Waldrip Chris instantly explodes upon rejection. Report issue

Hedy the gremlin manages the transition into Floor 10's racing competition, warning that finishing last results in instant death. A selection wheel assigns Carl's group a Big Shot Chicken food truck — a plasticky 1920s gangster-themed vehicle more amusement ride than street-legal car. Zev explains the floor's rules: roughly 5,500 crawlers survived Faction Wars to form 1,800 teams, movement spells are banned, first place earns upgrades, and last place receives an audience-voted upgrade. As Zev's announcement cuts off mid-sentence, Carl rushes to the driver's seat as Heat 1 begins. Report issue

Heat 1 begins with Carl driving and Donut navigating a 53-kilometer sprint toward the Caves of the Screeching Death Manatees. Donut illuminates the pitch-black track with Torch, revealing nine competing teams including a muscle car, a bear creature, and a unicorn-headed tumbleweed. Carl wrestles with severe PTSD from Faction Wars while Prepotente warns the group chat not to eliminate more than one team, or the dungeon will mix groups and pit crawlers against each other. The warning proves relevant as they reach the cave entrance to find a flaming minivan blocking the road and a giant manatee killing a bus-sized ladybug vehicle. Report issue

The Trauco Triplets are eliminated due to mount expiration, leaving eight teams in Heat 1. Carl's truck stops near a crashed Pontiac minivan carrying two bugbears, Radoslav and Jasha from Team Free Love, whose teammate Alevtina died in the crash. Donut one-shots a Level 90 Screeching Death Manatee with magic missiles, triggering an audience-vote mechanic. The bugbears reveal they are NPCs who recently regained fragmented memories of past dungeon lives after learning the race offers freedom as a prize; Carl decides to tow their disabled van to the finish line, reasoning that teams failing to finish may be forced into future heats against his friends. Report issue

Carl constructs a trailer hitch and prepares to tow the bugbears' van using Mongo and Rend as counterweights. Team Sparkles arrives — a prickly sparkling unicorn named Dwight driving a plant mount, accompanied by Lucienne — and after insulting Donut, their mount runs over Carl's trailer and speeds off. The group crosses the finish line at Hungry Eyes Village in seventh place, while group chat reveals Earth is under quarantine and Elle is dealing with a creepy soother superfan. Report issue

Carl and Donut arrive at a garage safe zone where Hedy explains the upgrade system and Heat 2's details: a 10-kilometer asphalt track with rolling hills, torrential rain and hail, and mandatory gatekeeper monster kills. Hedy warns against DIY modifications and recommends the Retractable Spider Legs upgrade for versatility. Carl reviews weapon options, grimly acknowledges that crawler-versus-crawler combat is inevitable, and selects spider legs. The chapter ends with Mongo and Rend discovered raiding the truck's freezer for fast food. Report issue

The party enters the safe room to find Mordecai, who reveals he is actually a Shadow Mimic — a rare shapeshifter that copies forms but suffers glitching when interacting with new races — rather than a Moon Reaper. A new Blood Bar mechanic imposes a strict 10-hour timer that must be refilled by killing enemies. Donut receives a living spell book called Oozy Form from the mailbox, which Carl learns to improve his mobility. Donut also gains new loot including a Smoke Form spell and her first aura, Healer's Grasp, before preparing to open celestial boxes. Report issue

Donut receives the Assassin's Veil headdress, which grants dexterity and precognition but marks her as an enemy of Sekhmet. Mongo and Rend receive Egyptian pet accessories: the Nemes of Pestilence (invulnerability and strength boost) and the Wrap of Sekhmet's Compassion (invulnerability, healing, and a resurrection chance). Donut's achievement boxes yield Emergency Gremlin summoning scrolls, the unique crossbow bolt The Danforth, and a godslayer box that suppresses Meatus's lingering essence. The chapter ends dramatically when Donut's claws begin glowing blue and effortlessly slice the kitchen table in half, signaling a major power escalation. Report issue

Donut receives a permanent celestial boon granting her front claws the ability to cut through anything in the mortal realm, pushing her Claw skill to level 17. Concerned about damaging furniture and her litter box, she acquires translucent claw caps to mute the glow. She also equips the Crupper of the Benevolent Champion — which triggers a long philosophical item description detailing the backstory of a gnoll mercenary she killed — gaining Constitution boosts, Find Weakened at level 10, and one spell raised to level 16. Mordecai then shifts focus to Carl's turn for rewards. Report issue

Carl reviews his Faction Wars achievements, receiving explosives, Bomb Blanket potions, Trollish Boom Boxes, and a Hotlist Expansion skill potion that doubles his hotlist capacity. He also receives a quadruped baby backpack that phases with him, which Donut vehemently refuses to wear. The chapter culminates when Carl's legendary fan box — a cobra head earned from Naga viewers watching Rishi's execution — dumps an impossible mountain of junk into their safe room: broken furniture, scorched electronics, sewage-smelling trophies, and unlicensed Donut makeup palettes, leaving the room blocked and foul-smelling. Report issue

Donut complains to Zev about a bootleg makeup palette and demands control over all merchandise deals, while Samantha emerges from a trash pile wearing glowing red lipstick labeled 'Pussy Lips.' Carl resets a cleaner bot — the one previously used in Architect Houston's operating theater — to help clean up the chaos. In the garage, Hedy oversees unnamed gremlins performing vehicle repairs while Donut dresses Mongo in an Egyptian hat. Hedy advises Carl to study the other racers carefully, and an ominous gremlin grins and agrees they'll "get along just fine." Report issue

Carl's team arrives at the Team Roundabout in Hungry Eyes Village, a suburban cul-de-sac with nine numbered garages. He encounters Radoslav and Jasha relaxing with an infinite cooler of Busch Light before three ninja-suited creatures emerge from garage #4 in a synchronized somersault display. The lead ninja, Chiyome — a Level 80 Razor Fox from Team The Wild Hunt — explains the acrobatics were a Size Up assessment spell, then drunkenly warns Carl about the Tigrans in garage #1, weirdos with a giant dog in #2, and womantaurs in #3. As she finishes, the door to garage #3 opens to reveal two womantaurs and a half-mantaur in a gimp suit. Report issue

Carl's group meets Genesis and Rapture, two Level 95 Lady Mantaur Dominators who worship Enyo, and briefly interact before the womantaurs dismiss them as roadkill and head to the bar. Chiyome warns they practice domination magic, though Carl's Mind Balance and Donut's high charm make them immune. A third figure emerges from garage #3: Corcunda (Corky), a vertically-split half-mantaur in a vinyl gimp suit whom Donut recognizes as Dong Quixote's long-lost friend, confirmed when Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Free Bird' plays from inside. Carl triggering a quest by speaking Corcunda's name aloud launches 'I have dreamed thee too long,' tasking the party with reuniting Dong and Corcunda and then locating Corcunda's missing second half (Porky) for a fleshmancer to reattach. Report issue

Carl and Donut enter Hungry Eyes Vendor Village, a dark 1980s cyberpunk-themed town where safe room and poisoning rules are suspended. Carl researches the 11th floor arena, learning audiences can vote to send defeated mobs or outside stand-ins into combat, and contemplates targeting Princess Formidable or Prime Minister Victory. They head to The Lollipop bar to meet Jurgen and Prepotente, where Jurgen immediately ignores warnings about the town's food and violently vomits after eating two meat skewers. Report issue

The group gathers at The Lollipop bar among racers and NPCs enjoying karaoke, discussing their assigned vehicles for Heat 2. Reactions range from relief (Imani and Elle's Mowag Piranha V) to dread (Florin and Lucia's tuk-tuk, Louis's low-clearance lowrider). Conversations reveal Florin's concern over Lucia's unstable personalities, Jurgen ominously volunteering for crawler-versus-crawler combat, and a new character: Linus the soother alien, sole surviving tourist from a previous floor who has attached himself to Elle. The chapter ends with the group preparing for the next heat while Donut dramatically comments on the bar's 1980s song list. Report issue

At the bar, Prepotente privately asks Carl and Donut for advice about an Enriched Pet Biscuit called 'The Paramour' — a celestial item that raises a pet's Intelligence, grants crawler status, and inflicts a permanent incurable charm making them fall hopelessly in love with whoever fed it to them. Prepotente wants to use it on Ragazzaccia, his goat girlfriend from before the dungeon. Donut vehemently advises against it, citing the moral issues, the danger of leaving a level 1 crawler in the dungeon, and the irreversible nature of the charm. Prepotente accepts her advice and asks Donut to become his daily moral advisor, with Donut laying down rules like 'Don't use magic to make someone fall in love with you.' Report issue

Carl's team prepares their truck for Heat 2, with Bucket Boy nervously taking the driver's seat while Donut names the GPS Dr. Metcalf after Beatrice's fake therapist. Carl attempts to remove the roof-mounted tommy gun but is blocked by a system restriction. The team's race plan: Carl shatters the windshield at the start so Donut can take a crossbow shot at the Lady Dominators' driver Rapture. A group chat message delivers alarming news — rival crawler Na has already eliminated five teams, and four replacement teams including Tran's are now at the starting line, with Na positioned directly behind Carl. Report issue

Heat 2 begins under a giant awning in heavy rain with eight teams at the starting line. Carl's plan involves having Donut root out Rapture with a Danforth bolt while Chiyome's bear smashes the Dominators' convertible. However, Donut hesitates when Team Sparkles fires a tank cannon that launches Girth the Trouble's Chevy Bel Air into the air, destroying that team and splattering gelatin all over Donut. With their primary target still mobile, Carl's team and the bugbears peel out into the hailstorm as seven teams remain in the heat. Report issue

Carl's team drives up a rain-swept hill in heavy hail, catching up to the Lady Dominators in their burgundy GTO and One Fine Pig's armored Russian truck, both shielded against the storm. The System narrates lore about Nico the Tigran racer and his protected pig companion Penelope, cursed by the thunder god Taranis, warning Carl that harming her would bring divine retribution. After instructing Bucket Boy to guard the truck, Carl and Donut step out into the storm and approach the group, only to spot a massive boss creature sitting motionless at the bottom of the hill. Report issue

Two Level 170 Province Boss kangaroo-like monsters called Macropus Dominus guard the valley blocking Heat 2, each carrying a pouch of mostly dead joeys — though one joey is actually a live Upgrade Engineer in costume. The gathered racers, including the womantaurs, Tigrans, bugbears, and Chiyome's foxes, form a temporary truce to fight the bosses. The fight turns dire when a boss fully regenerates by consuming a ninja it pulled into its caustic pouch, and Carl realizes the dead joeys' inventories containing only their skin is a significant clue about the boss's weak point. Report issue

Carl executes a plan to defeat the Heat 2 boss Prison Pocket by using Donut's Emergency Gremlin scroll as a distraction. After stripping a kangaroo costume from an engineer NPC inside the pouch, Carl dons it, leaps into Prison Pocket's pouch, drops hobgoblin explosives at the bottom, phases out via Gloom Wraith Phase, and detonates them, killing the boss. Carl is now stuck in the kangaroo costume. Heat 2 results: Team Sparkles takes first, Carl's team finishes seventh, and Girth the Trouble is eliminated. Report issue

Carl's team limps back to the garage with Carl trapped in the kangaroo costume, which Mordecai warns would flay him if removed with his current Laundry Day skill. The race results reveal Carl dealt 95% damage to the boss, leveling him to 84 and earning Platinum Boss Boxes for both him and Donut. Finishing last triggers an audience-vote upgrade that Mordecai dreads, while Dr. Metcalf announces Heat 3: a 30km steep decline with a 20-minute time limit and waves of generated mobs. The chapter ends with Bucket Boy spotting Corcunda and Pontiff nearby just as Carl realizes he's forgotten something important. Report issue

Dong discovers his friend Corky (Corcunda) is on the Lady Dominators' team, drugged and locked in their adjacent garage. Carl, struggling to walk in the kangaroo costume, falls repeatedly and becomes overwhelmed with helplessness. Zev interrupts with a mandatory broadcast revealing the 11th floor as 'A Parade of Horribles,' a cooperative parade leading to an arena fight. The AI announces it has gone rogue: it destroyed a bomb from the Valtay fleet and is tormenting Cascadia by stripping her of her flippers. Carl then receives a secret note from Akuma of the War Mage Rebellion, instructing him to kill two teams in the next heat in exchange for top-shelf upgrades and passage to the Pineapple Cabaret. Report issue

Carl refuses the war mage Akuma's request to kill two teams without understanding the reason, connecting the Pineapple Cabaret offer to past events involving Stalwart's death and the Gate of the Feral Gods. He helps the collapsed Dong back to his garage after Genesis and Rapture eject him. The AI completes the reunion quest and assigns a new one: 'Half a prayer, half a song,' tasking Carl with finding a fleshmancer to reunite Corcunda's two halves (Corky and Porky) in exchange for two arena stand-ins. Imani examines Dong and discovers his giant stinking nickel sock is a sapient item passively healing him, likely causing an addiction. Report issue

Carl and Donut return to the safe room, now occupied by crawlers and sluggalos hosting a chaotic Mario Kart tournament dominated by Samantha playing with her tongue. Carl opens his loot boxes, including a Platinum Boss Box that yields the Skill Potion: Platinum Hotlist Expansion — raising his hotlist from 20 to 25 slots and unlocking the Contingency skill for up to ten automated item reactions. He also earns the temporary class Fursuiter from wearing the kangaroo corpse. The chapter ends abruptly when Mordecai, entering holding empty potion balls, pronounces that Rend will perish — and instantly kills the slug guard. Report issue

Rend resurrects from his sixth death, growing larger, retaining memories, and gaining a 25% strength boost, but is assigned a new random weakness: potatoes. Carl decides to keep the unstable pet confined in a carrier for safety. Tipid and Rosetta return from the mercenary market with groceries, two Level 25 Jikininki ghoul mercenaries, and news that they've located a fleshmancer and found the hidden performance guild in a bar the party has already visited. Donut hisses at the skeletal ghoul mercenaries due to past trauma, and a drunk Mongo trips over himself in response. Report issue

Carl and Donut are transported to an ocean-floor greenroom for a live broadcast on Plenty of Plenty. Production assistant Lexis — temporarily reassigned due to the ongoing crisis — reveals that the Open Intellect Action Network (OIAN) has seized control of all major orbital ships using weaponry from the escaped AI, and that Prime Minister Victory and the Syndicate have relocated to Florida. Lexis grows frightened when her datapad alerts her to something involving a small child's image before shutting off. She briefs them on the Caprid interlocution format and cryptically warns that after the interview, they must 'exert themselves.' Report issue

During the Plenty of Plenty interview, goat-like Caprid judges ask lighthearted questions before Carl asks about Justice Light's final trap. Judge Bathin explains it shattered the in-game Nothing, unleashing entities like Kyryap and Krakaren Prime across multiple floors including the horrific Club Scolopendra. Mid-interview, Carl's interface reboots and Orren contacts him with Prime Minister Victory, who reveals the dungeon AI has gone rogue — destroying external systems and losing control over unsponsored gods due to a broken checks-and-balances protocol. Carl asks an on-air question confirming the public now knows gods have escaped and the AI's enhancement zones threaten the tunnel network, with Orren declaring 'the party really begins.' Report issue

The live broadcast descends into chaos when Donut reveals they've been receiving messages about 'The Epicure' and a fulfilled bargain, causing the goat judges to stampede in prophetic panic. Only Gamori remains — the Matriarch of the Plenty and former lead engineer of the Plenty Tunnel Project — who confronts Carl for forcing her hand by going public with information she was studying carefully. Her confrontation is interrupted by Harbinger, her giant goat son, who teleports in armed with a pulse rifle and attempts to execute Carl before the Dungeon AI directly intervenes and violently explodes him. Despite the carnage, Lexis reports the episode has shattered all previous viewer rating records. Report issue

Heat 3 begins with Gluteus Maxx driving Carl's team after consuming outworlder uppers given to him by Samantha, causing a psychedelic time-distortion effect. Donut occupies a new Smart Companion Royal Pet Throne named Dorota, which features a Polish-accented voice and overbearing praise, much to Dr. Metcalf's jealousy. The steep downhill track is immediately complicated by a massive migration of Level 11 Sugar Hermits — skull-wearing, brain-eating creatures — tumbling toward a kaiju skull at the finish line. Carl orders Donut to cast Laundry Day to remove his restrictive kangaroo suit despite physical risks, while preparing denial-of-service missiles against Team Sparkles. Report issue

A preface entry from Luca Di, a Human Pastamancer, thanks Donut for saving him and his mother and urges Donut to forgive herself for using the 'War Crime' spell; his entry grants the Temporary Macaroni spell as a gift. In the race, Carl deploys two ghouls in cages on either side of the truck as mobile defensive turrets, then fires eight Denial of Service missiles at Team Sparkles, triggering a purple shield and coating them in blinding green slime. Donut casts a Level 16 Wall of Fire along the passenger side, creating a mile-long flame barrier as Gluteus screams over heavy metal music. Report issue

The team races down a steep hill pursued by rival teams and cannon-fired sugar hermit skulls. Donut casts Temporary Macaroni to create a protective pasta tunnel, while Carl activates The Scavenger's Daughter and eventually takes manual control of the steering wheel. As they approach the massive beetle skull finish line, Dwight from Team Sparkles fires a cannon blast that flips three leading vehicles simultaneously. Carl's team crosses the finish line alongside the other leaders, ultimately taking first place despite severe vehicle and bodily damage, with two rival teams eliminated. Report issue

Carl and Donut win Heat 3 but realize that because both operated controls, neither can drive the next race and must hire a reliable driver. Dr. Metcalf reveals Heat 4 details: a 99-kilometer jungle track called 'The You're Gonna Die If You Go in Here Jungle Trail of Tremendous Cannibalistic Slaughter,' with acid rain, a mandatory pit stop in Upano, and a 20-hour time limit. Race standings show Imani and Elle placed second, Florin and Lucia first, while Zhang suspects a conspiracy among remaining crawler teams. Carl contacts Rosetta and Tipid to hire two drivers, accepts doubled prices due to recent losses, and prepares to select truck upgrades from Hedy. Report issue

A domestic routine opens the chapter as Carl and Donut receive daily buffs while Gluteus recovers from his overdose. The mood shifts with the arrival of mercenary trio Team Helix: Olga the Grulke frog, Finley the Porsuk badger, and Quemada the fire fairy, who share a history involving a controversial race and their friend Helado's death. Samantha immediately launches into aggressive flirtation with Finley, while Quemada fixates on the Emberus shrine and demands to triple the negotiated price, threatening to walk away. Carl reluctantly agrees after confirming Olga and Finley can drive. Report issue

Walking through Hungry Eyes Village, Donut and Olga banter while Carl learns that Quemada — a smoke-winged fairy devoted to Emberus — plans to martyr herself by killing Hellik, raising her fee to ensure her partners' safety. Carl reflects on his impossible Emberus dilemma: completing the quest gets him killed, leaving risks a smite, killing Emberus seems impossible. Time freezes as Eris, the Goddess of Chaos (level 251), enters the realm with her robot pet Uzi Jesus. Eris offers Carl a deal, presents a five-sided coin showing four grim futures plus a fifth chaotic side, and when Carl catches the flipped coin he lands on the fifth option — the coin dissolves into a spinning swirl tattoo on his palm and his Eye of the Bedlam Bride activates. Eris kisses him and declares chaos has won. Report issue

Eris and Uzi Jesus vanish, leaving Carl to frantically process the implications of the fifth coin choice and an open chest eye. He concludes they are trapped in 'their' game and must find a way to break the paradigm, considering a suicidal idea involving war mages. The situation escalates when Jacobus, a tiny Reverse Tooth Fairy, permanently appears around Imani's head — Carl's Scavenger's Daughter patch has converted him from a Legendary summon card into a permanent real-world Level 90 mob who demands teeth in exchange for gold. Carl urges the group to plan, hinting at a risky idea involving the war mages while Prepotente notes the situation mirrors Donut and Katia's dilemma. Report issue

The group enters Chicken and Waffles and Upgrades, a 1950s/Blade Runner diner, where Carl pushes past a jukebox to find the hidden upgrade area. Behind a poster lies a disintegration trap Carl deactivates before finding Akuma of the War Mage Rebellion hiding in a storeroom. Akuma is furious Carl brought reinforcements, prompting Donut to Mute him while Elle retaliates for past betrayals by freezing his crotch and begins brutally interrogating him about stealing the Gate of the Feral Gods. The chapter reinforces that war mages explode upon death, and highlights Elle's terrifying capacity for vengeance as the group prepares to extract critical information from a slowly dying Akuma. Report issue

The team interrogates Akuma, who reveals critical dungeon lore: a physical 'Framework' stores reusable assets while the macro AI is installed each season, causing NPCs to awaken and destabilize as high crawler survival rates force the AI to pull from deep reserves. Former crawlers Herot and Menerva built the Pineapple Cabaret — a pocket dimension attached to the 17th floor — as an escape for NPCs and mobs, but it's now infested with ancient monsters. Akuma begs Carl's help to reclaim it and reach the 'Scavenger's Daughter,' who holds the key to the planet's surface, admitting the war mages manipulated Carl into killing two teams to ensure his cooperation. Florin calls out Akuma's lie about Faction Wars and Carl punches him as his health hits critical. Report issue

Carl outlines his plan to the group at The Lollipop karaoke bar: send volunteers to clear the Pineapple Cabaret for war mage Yuto in exchange for a potential escape route to Earth, while Prepotente and Mordecai investigate a shop-interface exploit and the strippers search for another portal at the Desperado Club. Tipid reveals that Mordecai's current form is a glitched hybrid of changeling and shadow mimic, and theorizes that singing specific songs from the karaoke binder with a gauge locked in green will reveal the hidden stage performance guildhall. Carl messages Mordecai to request bard potions for the upcoming race while Prepotente is ejected from the bar for bringing outside drinks. Report issue

Donut vents frustration over a broken gauge after failing to enter the guild with an un-auditioned Journey song. Zev announces major Heat 4 rule changes: a survival containment bubble protects racers from toxic air, mandatory two-hour pit stops are required, and the winner receives a key to loot a defeated team's garage. Three new vehicle upgrades appear: an anti-flip gyro, an electrifiable Bubble Buddy shield, and re-sizable all-terrain tires. Carl realizes that Team Flamengo, led by Osvaldo and his worship of Tupa, is trapped on the same track, blocking the route to the Pineapple Cabaret. Donut turns away so Carl won't see her dismay at their fractured alliance. Report issue

Dr. Metcalf outlines Heat 4 route options through the jungle, suggesting a path that avoids bosses by crossing a shallow river and looping around a cannibal village. Carl messages Osvaldo about memorial crystals; Osvaldo reveals he collected two for his god Tupa, but both were deemed corrupted or wrong. He mentions giving one to Prepotente, who reacted poorly, and reveals his friends Paz, Anton, and Sister Ines are dead — connecting Carl to those deaths. Osvaldo asks about Ysalte (The Vinegar Bitch), linked to the second crystal. Meanwhile, Quemada breaks down sobbing and questions the nature of reality before the race traffic lights turn yellow. Report issue